i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
