i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
