She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize