i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
