It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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