I am midnight drunk by noon
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
