I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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