she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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