My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
