Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
