Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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