I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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