I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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