So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
