the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
