Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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