Who wears a wallet chain?!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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