Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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