Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
