two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
