none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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