you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
