Already got asked if we're dating
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
