I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
