Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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