Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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