I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize