It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
