so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
