p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
