Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
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i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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