New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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