I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
