did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
