Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
