I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
