spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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