all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
