Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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