It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
