went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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