my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
