I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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