you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
