I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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