just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
