I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
ttyl tear gas
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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