I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
