My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
