We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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