just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
