I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
