All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
