I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
