I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Come see our sink grown plant.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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