smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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